Extra-caffeinated soda and chemical sweeteners for breakfast? PepsiCo introduces 'Kickstart' soda for people who absolutely hate themselves

Ah, there's nothing like a heavy dose of caffeine, corn syrup and highly acidic phosphoric acid in the morning. And bringing it to you is none other than PepsiCo, the company that habitually uses aspartame, MSG and GMOs across its product line. Apparently drinking an aspartame-laced, caffeine-spiked soda for lunch and dinner isn't enough: PepsiCo wants to own your breakfast, too.

This new "Kickstart" soda reportedly is made with 5% juice (meaning it's 95% corn syrup, phosphoric acid and other ingredients). But here's where the laughter really begins: According to the FDA, a beverage containing at least 5% juice isn't considered a "soda." It's actually JUICE!

Yep, this means Kickstart can be served to your children in public school, because it's "not soda" according to the agreement between the FDA and the soda industry.

Except, of course, it is 95% soda. But that doesn't count by the FDA's "new math" in which 5 > 95.

Artificial sweeteners, too
Oh, it gets even better. Kickstart is formulated with artificial chemical sweeteners from the start. And it has more caffeine than a can of Mountain Dew, clocking in at 92 milligrams per 16 ounces.

Hold on, let me get this straight: A liquid concoction spiked with caffeine, chemical sweeteners, phosphoric acid and corn syrup is now "juice" according to the soda industry? Yep!

Does this mean NY mayor Michael Bloomberg will let you buy an extra large cup of it? Does the "5% juice" get retailers off the hook if they want to sell large quantities?

Overall, I'm not sure who's more stupid in all this: The company making it, the government agency regulating it, or the people buying and drinking it. To me, it all seems to be a collision of caffeinated morons. What kind of fool wants to wake up in the morning and chemically kick themselves in the b#lls while ingesting phosphoric acid, an extra dose of caffeine and synthetic chemical sweeteners?

Can you say, "Kickstart diabetes?"

Big Pharma and the entire health care industry will be thanking PepsiCo big time for this one. If Kickstart catches on, America can fully expect to be financially suffocated under a wave of bank-busting obesity and diabetes for generations to come. This is a great time to buy more PepsiCo stock, because if there's one thing Americans all agree on, it's that our retirement accounts should financially benefit from the companies that are destroying our children.

P.S. I invented my own soda called Monster Chemo Agent Orange Diet Fluoride Soda! Here's the advertisement: